As a couples counsellor based in the vibrant community of Subiaco, Perth, I often encounter couples who are still basking in the glow of their relationship’s honeymoon phase. The colours are brighter, the smiles are broader, and everything about their partner seems effortlessly perfect. However, as time passes, reality creeps in, and those rose-tinted glasses that once framed the relationship begin to cloud our vision. This is where we come across the phenomenon of idealistic distortion, or as it’s more commonly known: “wearing rose-tinted glasses.”
In the early stages of any relationship, idealistic distortion serves as the glue that bonds couples together. It’s the subconscious way we view our partners through an optimistic, sometimes unrealistic lens. This is when you might find yourself thinking, “We never argue, we understand each other so perfectly,” or “I love everything about them.” While this idealisation can feel wonderful, there’s a fine line between healthy admiration and creating an illusion that can later cause disappointment or confusion.
In my role as a counsellor, I help couples move beyond these illusions, gently guiding them towards deeper understanding, acceptance, and realistic expectations of their partner and relationship.
The Nature of Idealistic Distortion
Idealistic distortion is a natural part of the relationship journey. At the beginning of a relationship, your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which make you feel euphoric and connected. These chemicals can also trick you into focusing solely on the positives while ignoring any potential red flags. This isn’t necessarily bad; after all, relationships are built on positive perceptions and shared joy. But if left unchecked, idealistic distortion can lead to unrealistic expectations.
We often project our desires, needs, and expectations onto our partner without fully acknowledging their individual flaws and unique qualities. This can create disillusionment as the relationship matures and real-life challenges arise.
As psychologist Esther Perel says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” In many cases, adjusting our perceptions can profoundly affect our relationship’s trajectory.
Recognising Idealistic Distortion
Acknowledging that you may have placed your partner on a pedestal can be difficult. However, it’s important to remember that recognising idealistic distortion is not about tearing your partner down but about learning to love and accept them in their full humanity.
Here are some signs that you may be wearing rose-tinted glasses:
• You frequently minimise or overlook behaviour that bothers you.
• You feel you must always agree with your partner to maintain harmony.
• You believe that your partner can do no wrong.
• You find it difficult to see any faults in your relationship, even when friends or family express concerns.
A balanced perspective fosters healthier relationships. It allows couples to work through challenges and appreciate each other for who they truly are, not who they wish the other person to be.
The Impact of Idealistic Distortion
While idealising your partner might feel protective in the short term, it can lead to unmet expectations over time. When the reality of life and relationships inevitably sets in, feelings of disappointment may arise, particularly if you feel your partner isn’t living up to the ‘perfect’ image you once created.
“Love is not about finding the perfect person. It’s about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” This anonymous quote sums up what happens when we remove our rose-tinted glasses. We start to see the beauty in imperfection and appreciate our partner for who they truly are.
When expectations are realigned, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively, and the relationship deepens in authenticity. We stop striving for perfection and embrace imperfection with grace, patience, and love.
Moving Beyond the Rose-Tinted Glasses.
So, how do you move beyond idealistic distortion and develop a more balanced, healthy relationship? Here are some key steps:
1. Communication – Open and honest communication is essential. Speak with your partner about your feelings and listen to theirs without judgment.
2. Appreciate the Flaws – Recognise that no one is perfect, and that includes your partner. Instead of focusing on their perceived shortcomings, celebrate the qualities that make them unique.
3. Balance the Ideal with the Real – Hold on to the beautiful ideals you had about your partner, but balance them with the reality of who they are. This allows for deeper, more authentic connection.
4. Seek Support – If you find it challenging to break free from idealistic distortion, couples counselling can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics with professional guidance.
Remember that every relationship has its ups and downs. Idealising your partner at the beginning is completely natural, but with time, grounding your love in reality will pave the way for a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
As Carl Jung wisely said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
By recognising and addressing the impact of idealistic distortion, you can move towards deeper, transformative love—one where both partners are fully seen, understood, and accepted.
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